#49 Discovered Fish Love

“Young man, why are you eating that fish?”

Today’s new thing was the discovery of Fish Love…not a sexual deviancy, more of a moral concept.

Recently, a friend of mine ended a relationship with someone who had claimed to love her, but as soon as the going got tough and she needed to rely on him emotionally, he dropped her quicker than you could say ‘I’m a douche’. He still maintains that he loves her, but that the relationship had got too hard to continue.

Recounting this sad tale to my flatmate, she asked me if I had come across the concept of ‘Fish Love’, and explained the premise. A quick google later and I was watching the below video by Rabbi Dr Abraham Twerski.

“Young man, why are you eating that fish?”

“Because I love fish,” the young man answers.

“Oh, you love fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

I shared this with my brokenhearted friend, as it’s such a simple way of explaining a rather difficult concept.

Not the concept that someone may tell you that they love you and they are lying. That one’s easy enough to explain – they are just an arsehole.

I mean the idea that someone can feel that they love someone else, but they actually don’t.

In any relationship, it’s possible that someone can believe they love the other, but is really only focused on how that other person can fulfill their needs and wants. They call this feeling ‘love’, but not actually real love.

It’s as the Rabbi himself says, “love is a word that in our culture has almost lost its meaning”, and unfortunately this myth of ‘be perfect and then you will be loved’ is something that’s peddled a lot in our Western media.

The Rabbi goes on to say in the video, that the real idea of love is one of service – in the giving of yourself to another human being. In that way you become part of that person, and nurture that person – you aren’t taking the fish out of the water, or consuming it just to suit your needs.

In the case of my friend, her partner was only interested on what she did for him, how she should behave for him, and was dismissive of her feelings. When things got tough she no longer fit the cozy idea of how a relationship should be, and so he left to find another ‘love’. This is fish love, and he loved only himself.

It’s a hard lesson, and I suppose this all links back to the different types of empathy and self awareness, which some people have a-plenty, and others need to learn a little more about.

Or perhaps some some people just need to learn how to not be a cunt.  

For gaining new knowledge, and future proofing my own relationships – 4 out of 5 stars 


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